It's been a week from hell...

It began late last week. Pain, the likes of which I've never experienced before. It kinda felt like my face was being restructured, thanks to a demonic wisdom tooth forging its way into the world (and into my mouth). The pain became so unbearable that I had to have an emergency extraction early on Monday morning and was glad when I got home, tooth and pain free, thinking that the problem had solved itself.

I was so wrong.

The real pain started after that. In fact, by the time I had to go to work on Wednesday, I felt like the nerve endings in my entire body had been put in a blender and blitzed to shreds. I felt weak and fragile.

Me? Fragile?... I've never felt that way before. I just wanted to be held like a baby and rocked to sleep. But fate wasn't done with me yet.

This afternoon, driving on my way home from work, I got robbed in good ol Johannesburg. I stopped at a red traffic light, as I'd done a million times before, and before I knew it, a guy opened my door - and the first thing he said to me was "Fuck You", before trying to rip off my chain from around my neck, and succeeding the second time.

For a slow-motion second I thought of one of Steve Carrell's lines in the movie Date Night: "No, F you Mother Effer". And then his friend opened the other door and grabbed my bag... my first instinct was to grab my bag from him and throw it on the back seat (which I did) while trying to put the car in first gear to move off. 

Only there was no where to go. I was in the middle, stuck behind and in front of other cars. And no one said or did a thing! Welcome to SA. So stranger number two grabbed my bag from the back seat and they both ran off like the fucking cowards that they are, no surprise there.

I was immediately grateful for two things: that I wasn't hurt and that I kept my phone in my bra (as I always do and as I'm always mocked for doing)... and at the same time I was pissed off that I have to be "thankful" for just being robbed, and nothing else. 

I keep going over and over the events in my mind, thinking of what I could have done differently. And sometimes wondering, why me? And then I think, why not me? I live in one of the crime capitals of the world. What makes me so special? Truth is, I could have not forseen what happened - and even if I locked the doors - they would have just smashed in the window and taken what they wanted anyway because that's the standard modus operandi in these parts, and that would have cost me extra or even worse, injured me. 

In the meantime, all they got away with is a shit load of pain killers (maybe I needed to cut down on consumption), two credit cards (I did ask The Almighty to help me stop spending unnecessary money), 48 Rand (which is like US6 dollars), my drivers license (gotta get a new one), hand lotion that was almost finished and my access card for work (good luck to anyone trying to get into that building with my name).

I'm slightly disturbed (not as freaked out as I thought I'd be) but still disturbed and hoping that by writing about it, I can put things in perspective, and not morph into some paranoid schizo. Must say though, add the physical fragility, and you have one fine damsel in distress. 

BTW, Eid Mubarak fellow Muslims who celebrate.

Miss Demeanor

As far as rough-slash-comical days go, today took the bakery. For one, there was an important conference going on which meant that every Head Honcho from the Head office in New York, to London, and even places like Dubai & Bucharest were here, trolling the various floors with their Visitor access cards. 

I've spent most of the past three days in meetings... face to face meetings as opposed to the usual conference or teleconference calls we're subjected to on an hourly basis. Putting names to faces and faces to names as well as matching voices to the people they belong to is quite fascinating. Ever notice how very few people actually look the way they sound? 

There were lots of welcome messages and talks of where we were, where we are in the global economy and where we're headed to. The world is a volatile place to live in right now, and any little event could tip it on its axis. It's quite scary actually, and invigorating at the same time.

Today was no different as business always goes on as usual - only for some reason, I just had to spill ALL my coffee down the front of my satin champagne coloured blouse, soaking my entire suit. It provided comic relief and a much needed break from all the business talk. And they were so polite about it that no one dared to point out that they could see right through my blouse. 

I spent the rest of the day living out my one time dream of being, or at least smelling like, a Costa Rican Barista. Much was discussed, and I'm currently a walking, talking well of political and economic information. Unfortunately, I can't share that on a public forum yet, but if you email me, I may give you a heads up.

On rocks & hard places...

What would you do if you knew something about someone, but you were afraid to tell them in case it ruined your friendship? 

It's kinda like the whole cheating spouse scenario. Y'know... where someone knows that one half of a couple if being unfaithful but doesn't know whether to tell the other half. It's a damned if you do - damned if you don't scenario. 

If you tell the person, you run the risk (actually it's more of a probability) of having the tables turned and fighting with said friend - because people don't want the faults of those they idolise to be aired out in the open and they definitely don't want to feel foolish and betrayed in front of an audience. 

But if you don't tell, you run an equally large risk of a "you knew and you didn't tell me?!?" scenario... so you're basically screwed either way. 

When it comes down to it though, you still have a choice to make. Do you tell, or don't you? 

I would tell. Even if that person never spoke to me again. Only because I would want someone to tell me - even if I felt like the biggest ass on earth and humiliated beyond repair in that moment. 

Thing is, I know I'd feel even worse knowing that everyone else already knew, and that I was the last to find out. And that would make me never want to trust anyone ever again.

PS. I hate this new blogger layout. It does nothing for me.

Blank spaces & a blast from the past

A few weeks ago, I became re-acquainted with someone I haven't seen for a solid twelve years. Twelve years! I met her in my first year at University, during the first two weeks of Orientation. At the time I thought she was very laid back for someone so pretty. Usually the pretty chicks spent all their time in front of mirrors. But Taryn was different. So nonchalant that it was easy to think that she was emotionally stunted or slightly retarded. 

We hung out every day, and with a few other girls, formed our own little group. The thing with Orientation week is that no actual work takes place so much of our time was spent in the sun, at some or other party or just sitting around and talking for hours. 

All that - in two weeks. Two weeks that felt like a year. 

And then, just like that, reality kicked in. We ended up choosing different courses and found ourselves on opposite ends of the spectrum. And time gave distance to our fleeting friendship and the years eroded those two weeks into a faded memory. Until recently... 

I bumped into her on her first day at her new job, in the foyer of our building. I recognised her immediately but for the life of me, I couldn't remember her name. She looked at me and immediately said: "I know you from somewhere. I get the feeling we were very naughty together. I just can't remember where". It took some time to place each other but when we did, all those memories came flooding back - it was unreal. 

She hadn't changed one bit in the 12 years since we'd been friends. Same hair, same nonchalant style, same lazy smile, not a wrinkle in sight. Nada. 

After promises of getting together for lunch and coffee soon, I started wondering how I've changed over the years. And how many other blank spaces or lapses in memory I may have of people I have met that, at some point, have been an important part of my life, albeit for the shortest periods of time. 

And I wonder how many more such encounters I will have in the future... if I should be that lucky. 

Somebody stop the world, I need to get off...

It's one of those days where I feel like tagging myself in every random stranger's photo's on Facebook. 

Or maybe mimicking a friend's FB profile by changing everything on my profile - copying everything from their profile pics to their names and statues. I can just imagine the initial befuddlement and then solid confusion as they sit there and wonder why they have two profiles - before reality dawns. 

I only get like this when I'm frustrated. I realise that Recklessness is one of my defense mechanisms. It begs for behaviour that provokes and elicits some sort of outrageous reaction from the other party - the kind of reaction I probably secretly wish to have myself but want to identify or recognise in others. 

So essentially, on days like these, I only feel normal and happy when I can watch other people go crazy. Put it like that, and I sound like some sort of psychopath. Perhaps. I guess it's more fun to watch someone else pull at their hair follicles than it is to go through those emotions and experience them yourself. 

I'm tired. It's not a physical thing. I'm just tired. Tired of this world and its petty people and its perpetual issues and the never ending grind. Everything is a fucking issue. No matter where you go or who you talk to. And everyday it's just more of the same. I don't know what's worse, that it's the same shit on a different day, or that we lie to ourselves, thinking that things are / will be different. 

Geez, that sounds more cynical and negative than I intend it to be. Negative is not my style. Yet some truths cannot be hidden.

We're all in the same game. Just different levels. Dealing with the same hell. Just different Devils. 

Dear Lord, I'm so ready for some great changes. Key words being great changes. No more bull kaka please. Thanks.