10. Driving back home the other day was like participating in a GTA competition; with every schizo psychotic driver in the entire universe unleashed on the roads. Worse still, it seemed like the majority of them got their licenses with their Happy Meals at the McDonalds drive-thru – from Ronald McDonald himself no less. I inevitably found myself chastising¹ the driver in front of me and not in a very nice way. It got me thinking about a whole lot of things. I can’t say I’ve never committed any traffic offences; and I can’t say that I’ve never annoyed another driver by driving slower than the speed limit – especially when I’m taking my time or trying to find my way around. So why do I feel the need to decapitate the next person? How many times do we chastise² people in traffic for crimes that we are also guilty of?
9. Oh what I’d give to be in Marbella³ right now! I spend hours thinking about it. My left boob is always the first choice – because there’s two. Or maybe my baby toes, I don’t need them. An arm seems a bit extreme. I need my arms, how else am I going to hug David Gandy? I would gladly part with the remaining bum fat though.
8. Need a fake tan? Come and live in South Africa. You'll never ever end up looking like an Orang-utan. It's the African sun and all that.
7. Now that we’re into winter, every morning is an epic battle of Lord-of-the-Rings proportions. The bad part is that it’s not even that cold. In Johannesburg, we share the same weather forecast with Paris. And it’s summer in Paris. There are some mornings I don’t even want to get up at all. I wish I could sleep forever. Wake me up when September ends.
6."I actually go to a church where they don't blame God for all the bad choices people make". I overheard a woman say this to another woman one morning, just before one of my sporadic runs around the Johannesburg Botanical Gardens. I thought it was funny, so I chuckled to myself silently before I went on my merry way. Funny coz it’s true.
5. One of my cousins is getting married in 3 weeks time and naturally, this only means one thing: War. There’s just something about a wedding that unleashes the Gremlin within. And so much of it is completely unnecessary. We live in the 21st century and people have yet to realise that their marriages are by no means an extension of the wedding day itself. Even if perfection is achieved, there is no guarantee or evidence that flawless decor and floral arrangements equate to flawless relationships and the coveted happily ever after.
4. Speaking of extensions of the follicular variety... I’ve decided to take a leap and colour my hair. Now I don’t usually colour my hair. I have dyed it black a few times because my natural hair colour is a significant red-brown and I hate it. But I don't just want to dye it any colour, I'm thinking radical change, a myriad of colour. Just for fun of course. This is what I’m going for, notice how the top is darker and then it tapers off into lighter hues:
3. Speaking of extensions of another kind. And I’m sure I’ve said this at some point before. I hate how some parents think their children are the centre of the universe and therefore exempt from any kind of responsibility or consequences, and that we should all bow down to them. As a parent, your children are not an extension of you. They are people in their own right with their own minds, priorities, needs and opinions. So essentially your children don’t come from you, they come through you. And it is NOT your job to give in to their every whim and fancy, breeding little future Dictators – midget Fascists in the making. It IS however, your job to educate them on how to mind their manners, and in the ways of the world so that they can be the best people they can possibly be, for the sake of the world... because it’s the rest of the world that has to live with a Cuntasaurus⁴ once your all-consuming-ego-inflated-ass is dead.
2. Why is it that when it comes to friends and even strangers, we find ourselves non-judgemental, accommodating and accepting of who they are and what they believe in without any question. But when it comes to our own families - the very people we claim to love more than anyone else in the whole world - we’re often highly judgemental, critical, harsh, condescending and unaccepting of their beliefs, opinions and who they claim to be? This is an observation I’ve made across the borders of race, ethnicity and every religious denomination.
1. Oh my, that David Gandy. What a beautiful man. It must be illegal to be that pretty. They should call him David Candy. There’s just something about him... him and all the other hundreds of guys in both my Male Appreciation Albums⁵.
¹Instead of cursing him, his mother, his father, his grandmother and the rest of his family and then flipping him off.
²There's that nice word again.
³Just one more fabulous place on that endless bucket list.
⁴Think cunt, but on a huge dinosauria-like scale.
⁵Yep, there are two.