Monday, October 8, 2012

On rocks & hard places...

What would you do if you knew something about someone, but you were afraid to tell them in case it ruined your friendship? 

It's kinda like the whole cheating spouse scenario. Y'know... where someone knows that one half of a couple if being unfaithful but doesn't know whether to tell the other half. It's a damned if you do - damned if you don't scenario. 

If you tell the person, you run the risk (actually it's more of a probability) of having the tables turned and fighting with said friend - because people don't want the faults of those they idolise to be aired out in the open and they definitely don't want to feel foolish and betrayed in front of an audience. 

But if you don't tell, you run an equally large risk of a "you knew and you didn't tell me?!?" scenario... so you're basically screwed either way. 

When it comes down to it though, you still have a choice to make. Do you tell, or don't you? 

I would tell. Even if that person never spoke to me again. Only because I would want someone to tell me - even if I felt like the biggest ass on earth and humiliated beyond repair in that moment. 

Thing is, I know I'd feel even worse knowing that everyone else already knew, and that I was the last to find out. And that would make me never want to trust anyone ever again.

PS. I hate this new blogger layout. It does nothing for me.

20 comments:

  1. Hmm, I think I would tell as well. There's something terribly painful and as you said embarrassing not knowing something especially when everyone else does

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  2. It all depends to me. Sometimes it is better to hide your head in the sand (don't ask, don't tell scenario). In my opinion it depends on the stakes involved.

    For example, your neighbor is an axe murderer. Best tell someone.

    For example, your neighbor has a substance abuse problem. Sharing far and wide might not help the situation and might shame them out of your life, where you could be a positive influence.

    It all comes down to your judgment. And that judgment or lack thereof may skewer somebody else's life. Many spouses know their spouse is cheating and choose not to do anything about it. If you rub their nose in it, they will be forced to do (because of public perception) something that they might otherwise not have done.

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  3. I would go for being hones too. I think it is the lesser of 2 evils! :)

    I have finally returned to Bloggerville. Blogger has a new layout? Really? I need to have a look!

    I have missed reading your concise and articulate thoughts/musings/writing! :)

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  4. I would too. Either my friends accept that I never want to lie to them. Or its not a real friendship and this helps me get rid of them.

    My relationship with God means more than anything. If I can't be truthful then I'd rather not be anything else.

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  5. Blogger layout: Agree. But, as with most other things, you get used to it.

    To Tell or Not to Tell: Agree again.

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  6. In the end, for me, it comes down to who I love the most: my friends or myself. Hopefully it's my friends. If I lose them, then at least I served to air the lie. No one no matter how valuable should be left to blow in the wind of an evil untruth.

    Dean
    Http://leftcoastguy.com

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  7. sticky situation indeed. i guess it depends on who is more important to me when it comes to a couple. if the cheating partner is my friend, i'd give him/ her a hard time and if the one being cheated on is my friend, i'll tell the person in the best way possible.

    but i'd go to that extend only if the people involved matter to me.

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  8. @EVERYONE
    I guess this situation really hits home for me and its bitter sweet. I recently befriended a married male colleague at work. We bonded over mutual interests and shared beliefs and since he and his tiny family are foreigners to SA, I offered to adopt all of them. I only found out later that he is quite an influential and important person at the company.
    Anyway, not long afterwards, I found out something that could have potentially caused a lot of problems in his home and marriage and I decided to warn him about it.
    The result is that now, for some reason unbeknownst to me, he has suddenly started blatantly avoiding me. I suspect that his wife has something to do with it and now I find myself questioning whether it was a good idea to tell him or not. Thing is, when I think about it, NOT telling him was not an option... if I could do it again, I would tell him again.
    But the sad repercussion of this debacle is that I ended up losing a good friend - and a colleague that could have really help guide me in my career aspirations - and it doesn't sit well with me... and I don't know what I can do to make it right.

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  9. The irony of it is that you debated whether you should tell him or not, which has left you in a situation where the only way forward is.... To tell him what's on your mind. Your instinct tells you that you made the right decision the first time around. Follow that instinct and lay your cards on the table, telling him how the repercussions don't sit we'll with you.
    What's the worst that could come of it?

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  10. Azra,

    I'm not a fatalist; however, if he wants to come back around, he will. It will indicate just important the relationship is or isn't to him.

    The glib response is "no good deed goes unpunished". Its never an appropriate thing to say in serious discussion; however, the theory is appropriate: the right thing to do, that you must do, is often unavoidably painful.

    In the final analysis, you must be able to live with yourself before you can live with others.

    Hugs,
    Dean
    Http://leftcoastguy.com

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  11. Kaloo
    So you reckon that I should lay my cards on the table? I was just thinking earlier today that maybe I should email him and apologise in case I offended him in any way? Like you said, I have nothing to lose at this point.

    Dean
    Yes, I have to be true to myself. And being true to myself in this case meant being true to another... like they say, the right thing is often the hardest thing to do.

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  12. Sometimes people get offended by the things we say, sometimes they get offended by the things we do, and sometimes they get offended by the things they think we said or did.
    We never really know until its either too late, or we ask them. I don't think it's too late :)

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  13. Since it sounds like it was re: something important, I think you did the right thing - and there are often nasty repercussions to doing the right thing.

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  14. Interestingly, this came up yesterday in a group discussion - without any names being mentioned. All the women had a lot to say and debated, while the 2 guys just sat quietly.

    I would tell. It doesn't matter what the person thinks of you - if you lose the friendship or whatever. If someone is doing that to his/her spouse, silence will only make things worse. It's not about how things will affect YOU - it's about what's best for the people involved: continuing in deception won't bring any good.

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  15. @EVERYONE
    Well I wrote an email, apologising for everything and he pretended not to know what I was talking about... saying that he's been very busy with work. And I know it's utter bull shit because I didn't imagine him avoiding me - that really did happen - quite blatantly. I don't know. I'm just going to ignore him.

    Yeah, people don't tell you the price you pay to do the right thing.

    @dreamlife
    I believe so too. There comes a point when it's no longer just about you. It's greater than you.

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  16. I don't really have anything more to add to this - but I think you've done the right thing.

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  17. Part of being a good friend is telling the truth because you know you have to regardless of the outcome. You did what you needed to do in your friend's best interest. There will come a time when he sees it, but there is also a chance that he will never be man enough to come to you, cap in hand, and apologize for his choice in reaction.

    You did the right thing. You are a good friend, and I hope one day he can be the good friend to you that he can't be now.

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  18. You've absolutely done the right thing and the guy's an asshole for avoiding you. THERE, I SAID IT. I mean, WTF? Seriously. I, too, would tell. I don't get people who wouldn't, or the people who'd get pissed off at the teller if they found out about a cheating spouse. Wouldn't you be grateful? (Ultimately, anyway?) Just...ugh. People can be dumbasses to the nth degree.

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  19. I'm with Angie.

    Dean
    Http://leftcoastguy.com

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  20. Deidre
    Thanks.

    Angie
    You're right. I just have to accept that his reaction is how he chooses to handle the situation and has no bearing on me as a person.

    Pretzel Thief
    I've always appreciated honesty, but I guess not everyone is the same.

    Dean
    Two peas, one pod ;)

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