I've always been more of a doer than a talker. I like to get things done. At school I used to do my homework on Friday during break while everyone else was having lunch, just so that I wouldn't have to think about it until Monday morning. If I have to cook dinner, I'll do it in the morning to get it out of the way. Even my weekly lesson plans are done a month in advance. And that's why procrastination (although a prominent part of my life these days) goes against my very nature and I'm overcome with guilt when I succumb to laziness.
I've been like this in most areas of my life. A doer... a woman of action. I was much the same when it came to war, always taking action even though I don't like fighting. Actually I abhor it even though I'm very very good at it.
Previously when someone offended me, I'd leap to the ground like a human transformer, ready to annihilate the enemy. And what made me particularly dangerous is that when I'm really angry, I have no regard for consequences. Ruthless I was. The most dangerous people in the world are those with nothing to lose. I wasn't governed by fear or self-consciousness... I just didn't care about anything except my own victory.
And most times, I never fought fairly. If someone threw a dart in my direction, I had 10 bazookas lined up, heading their way. If someone stepped on my toe, I'd break every bone in their body. It helped that people always underestimated me (still do), which made it easy to go for the gut.
I would rip apart any argument (along with their egos) to shreds. And my favourite form of punishment? Public humiliation. Because an astounding number of people worry more about what others think of them, even if they won't admit it. There was always that one weak spot waiting to be found and exploited.
And then one day, things changed. After what felt like my hundredth encounter with an arsehole of note, I began to question what exactly is it about me that attracts these people who think they can just walk all over me. And what exactly is it that makes them believe they'd get away with it unscathed? In every scenario, I'm the one going about minding my own business when someone comes along, wanting to teach me a lesson. And I'd always end up making an example of them.
So I set out to do some soul searching and introspection and I began to believe that there was a lesson for me to learn from all of this... that perhaps, I keep on attracting this kind of appalling behaviour because I keep on reacting to it the same way. I thought about it for a long time, and came to the conclusion that maybe it was time to change the way I acted and reacted to certain people and situations.
I once said that Lions don't fight with Monkeys... that it's not worth flaring up every time you're provoked by an unworthy adversary to prove to them that you're the stronger species. I know I can annihilate them if I wanted to. They know that I can annihilate them if I wanted to. I don't need to prove it to myself or anyone else. I've come to see that it's not about winning any more. It's about choosing the battles.
That's not to say that we should just sit back and let people walk all over us. Not at all. There's a time and place for everything. In any case, I've often found that people who are arrogant and unjust eventually pay a higher price for their misdeeds when Aunty Karma comes around for tea, unannounced and in a bitchy mood.
Justice should never be about Vanity. And Vengeance is for God alone.
I'm getting soft in my old age :)