Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Coz things are different but that doesn't necessarily mean they're better...

The one thing I always struggle to wrap my mind around is a male chauvinist pig. Worst still, is a male chauvinist pig that’s married and has the gall to try and pick up women like they're cheap whores. For some reason, every now and then, I have to meet some kind of MCP and they're always of the perverted-middle-aged-aka-Old-Bastard-married-Indian variety and they always hit on me... and no I don’t mean talking or those casual conversations that normal people have or even flirting or teasing playfully... I mean they ACTUALLY think that they have a chance to get their grubby paws all over me.

Aside from the prospect being an affront to ALL my senses (even those senses that I don’t possess) I find this to be the ultimate form of disrespect, not only for myself but for women-kind in general. Any man who disrespects me (and his wife) like that needs to be murdered. I never did like leftovers and I’m beginning to dislike old dried out biltong (beef jerky) too.

Now I’ve already complained about how most of the (Indian Muslim) guys here in SA go on like they’ve never seen women before. And naturally, this brings out the ruthless evil bitch in me. Hell hath no fury and I find that the best way to retaliate is to go right for the gut – that wonderfully inflated ego – and crush it like you would crush a crystal glass under the weight of a bowling ball.

Some of my favourite retaliatory quips are “women with asses like mine, don’t go for men with faces like yours” OR “sorry grandpa but I think you left your hearing aid and your manners at home” OR “I wouldn’t even piss on your teeth if your gums were on fire” OR the old trusty “Fuck Off”. Most times, I have to resist the urge to set them on fire and say “how you like me now?”.

It’s actually quite funny, but white men never ever hit on me - maybe it’s a cultural thing - or maybe this is South Africa and they’re all racist… who knows. Anyways, this fact solidified my belief that the concept of “The Gentleman” lives on, but that it only exists in Caucasian males. But alas, my theories were all shot to hell on a long distance phone call with my new Swedish aunt (well aunt doesn’t really cut it because she’s barely 5 years older than I am – but she is married to my uncle who happens to be only 3 years older than I am so aunt has to do).

So, on this long distance call to Copenhagen, my aunt kindly informed me that the case of “The Gentleman” is in fact a dying breed – most have already been declared and buried and most men, especially amongst the younger generations in Scandinavia are no different to our modern day assholes.

I was mildly devastated at this revelation that all the good men are dead and was about to dive head first into my jar of Nutella when she assured me that there are still some decent guys out there and that not all of them are sexual predators or pedophiles.

I spent the next few days wondering if previous generations of females had to worry about all the decent men being dead. I seriously doubt that. I don’t think that a hairy-pot-bellied-balding-ass ever propositioned my Grandmother like she was some kind of hooker. And even if there were one or two mofo’s like that, Grandma would have knocked them senseless with an iron rod (coz she was hardcore too and no one ever messed with her).

Such occurences (if any) were hush hush because back then, most people were decent folk. But at the same time, Grandma didn’t have it easy either. She had a demanding husband (as most men were at that time) who liked having things done his way. She had to be up early in the morning making his breakfast... followed by running his bath and taking out his clothes. And every evening she had to ensure the meal was prepared just the way he liked it and that he was a happy goat. Grandpa went out to work every day, providing for his family's needs. He came from the same breed that gave way to women. They were real men.

As I get older, the one thing that's become really apparent to me is that no matter how much we think we've progressed as a society, things haven’t changed all that much. In fact, if anything, they’ve just gotten worse. This world is a cruel place for most women and to survive, many have turned to Feminism to empower themselves. The problem with that is that while Feminism has its perks, it really hasn't done much for us...

See before, during the neolithic ages, man would club his woman over the head and drag her into the cave. BUT he was still the provider. He was still the protector, care taker and hunter. Fast forward a couple thousand years and imagine you're in the fifties where women were second class citizens of sorts - most of them homemakers multi-tasking, standing in the kitchen cooking impressive 7 course meals while knitting sweaters and waiting on their husbands. The men on the other hand would open doors for their ladies, carry the heavy baggage, buy them pretty dresses and bring home the food to put on the table. Women had huge roles to play as perfect housewives / mothers / nurses / teachers / chefs etc. etc. Men played the dominant figures in society... the upstanding-citizen-husband-slash-father roles.

BUT the man was STILL the provider, the protector, the hunter. Until Feminism came into the picture...

I find it somewhat ironic that these days, most men still expect that perfection from women and every woman herself is striving for it because someone somewhere decided that women aren't worthy if they cannot successfully juggle Wife-hood, Mother-hood and Career-hood. See, Feminism has put us on par with men... but it hasn't afforded us any of our previous privileges.

So essentially, Man STILL clubs woman over the head and drags her into the cave - only this time she's expected to open the cave door (and every other door that she comes across) while carrying the deer that she had to hunt for all by herself with some other groceries that she had to barter and steal; clean the cave AND see to a wailing baby that needs to be fed while caveman sits in a corner and complains about her cooking. Those women who have fought for equality never foresaw that being seen as "equal" doesn't necessarily mean you're respected. We really haven't done ourselves any favours have we...

Friday, February 18, 2011

Coz if diamonds are a girls best friend, then shoes are our long lost cousins...

There are only two things that most girls need to maintain a happy status quo: Shoes and Chocolate. In all my life, I've never ever come across any female that didn't like shoes. If diamonds are supposed to be a girl's BFF, then shoes must be our long lost cousins and chocolate, the husbands we've always dreamt of.

Whenever I’m having a tough day and all the chocolate’s gone and I need a pick-me-up and I’m done looking at my personal collection of THESE... I come over here and reminisce about this. It was a good day.

If anyone's been wondering what I got for Valentine's this year... (I love presents!! Well I didn’t get them as a gift FOR Valentine’s I just happened to get them ON Valentine’s - there’s a difference, trust me) ... let me just say that it was better than a bunch of flowers.
These are a part of my sit-in collection... coz I'm only ever going to wear them when I'm on my way to some fabulous place where the only walking I'll be doing is from the car to my seat. I'm not a masochist and I'm definitely no Carrie Bradshaw that goes traipsing about the length and breadth of New York in those killer heels (no pun intended) feeling all "cute" while her feet commit suicide.

I have a few other favourites this year...

Sergio Rossi in red... can't ever go wrong with red snakeskin... unless you decide to wear an orange leotard - but even then we can work something out. It screams I'm-blazin-hot-and-dangerous-and-you-can't-handle-this (unless you're Ian Somerhalder, then it's hello-I'm-fabulous-please-marry-me-and-I'll-make-all-your-dreams-come-true):

And for them days when you're feeling a little quirky. For me thats almost every day. I wish they had Snow White dresses in my size (they probably do). I'd love to go out dressed like Snow White with these on. And any random wicked looking potential step-mothers beware (a heel up someone's backside always makes for interesting conversation): 

But these thigh high sequined Manolo Blahnik boots are all kinds of O.M.G. I'd put these on my plate with some cheese and garlic sauce and eat them if I could. If you were looking for the corner of Sexy and Smokin' Boulevards, you found them right here:

Prada have come out in full force for their 2011 collection and I'm absolutely loving it. If someone had to put a gun to my head and make me choose, I really don't know which one I'd go for, its like asking you to choose between one of your children. They both give me butterflies in my tummy (ok thats a teeny lie... the red/black/gold ensemble gets my heart pumping a little more). If I had that kinda cash and I was a sadist I'd buy both: 

Dior 2011 also comes to the party. Now we're talking! I love anything that wraps around the ankles and if it wanted to wrap around my calf, that would be fine too. I'd wear these with absolutely everything if I could... even those overalls I throw on when I'm cleaning the house:

From the late Alexander McQueen, he may have had issues but the man sure knew style. These look like they were made for Cinderella before the Grimm Brothers decided that she needed to wear glass on her feet... like WTF... who wears shoes made out of glass? Who in the entire history of the world ever wore shoes made of glass? Sounds like something concocted by the French. That's a 911 call just waiting to happen:
McQueen outdid himself for the 2011 collection. I love how flamboyant he was. So ostentatious with that edge. So... so... so... Me! LOL. I imagine wearing these under my wedding dress so that if anyone irritates the shit out of me on my ahem "special day" (*eyes-rolling-to-the-back-of-my-head*) I could break these out and kick them in the shins... guessing that gold metal plate in the front will make it a very pleasant day indeed. Because I tend to be hardcore like that.

Then there are the basiccs... I call them my weekend shoes. Everyone needs a pair so that you can walk around without breaking something. In a cupboard full of moisturizers and butt firming creams... you've got to have soap to clean those grimy pores innit. These are the essentials... those shoes that I'd wear while I'm walking from the Garage into the car... the shoes I'd wear once the night is done and I'm crawling my way home... or just spending the weekend chilling:

And while Doc Martens were never my type, I'm sure there are others out there that will appreciate them:

And there you have it... my choices for 2011. Now to take this shopping list to China Town so that I can get one in every colour for a mere fraction of the price. Coz I'm a cheapskate remember...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Coz you don't need to buy the dog when you're getting the bitch for free...

I usually keep up to date with all the celeb gossip in Latin America. It's one of my quirks and I suppose it’s funny because I‘ve never ever watched any Latin American show before (and George Lopez doesn’t count), but I can tell you anything you'd like to know including who’s dating who. I know all about the Botineras, the ones on television and in real life too.

That said, I recently heard that Shakira is rumoured to be dating Spanish football player Gerard Piqué (coz her hips don’t lie). Not particularly intriguing news no, but what I do find quite amusing is that its been reported that Piqués mother is not too keen on the Colombian singer as a potential wife for her precious son and insists that he marry a *nice* Spanish girl. Hmmm... where have we heard this before...

It’s no secret that most traditional folk (no matter where they come from) like to adhere to their norms and customs and are somewhat uncomfortable about venturing out of their enclosed spaces. And yeah everyone’s entitled. But it becomes a problem when said traditional folk have kids and their spawn aren’t as enthusiastic about incestuous relationships as they are.

I’ve always said that racism is alive and well in South Africa. And I have to laugh out loud when people claim not to be racist, especially since their racial prejudices run so deep, that they are not only directed against people of other races, but amongst their own people too! I know for a fact that many traditional Zulu’s have major issues with their sons and daughters marrying spouses from the Xhosa or Sotho clan. Likewise, amongst the SA Asian crowd, some of the parents (who are ironically 4th and 5th generation immigrants) are still stuck with their village mentalities in India (and most of them haven’t even been to India).

They consider it a crime when their offspring *dare* venture out of those boundaries... y’know in case they taint those precious inbred genes. Because to some from the Memon tribe, the rice is only edible if it’s made by another member of the same tribe... and damn to hell anyone from the Kholvad or Surtee tribes who *dare* attempt to make rice the same way... they could NEVER ingest rice not made from the hands of a fellow tribeswoman. Cursed they’d be... and vice versa.

I've been down this subject's road before... and the view takes my breath away every time.

And so when someone tells me they’re not racist, I have to laugh. It’s both funny and endearing to watch people lie to themselves so consistently (denial ain't just an ex-president in Egypt).  Ask that person if they’d get married or let one of their kids get married to someone outside their race and there’s a 99% guarantee that the answer will in all likelihood be an emphatic and resounding “No”.

I recently heard a story that I've heard one too many times before. There’s this Asian chick here in Johannesburg... let’s call her Gwen... who recently found out that her husband has been secretly married to someone else for the past two years. Apparently, this "Indian" dude (her husband) was in love with this Coloured/Mixed Race girl for 5 years but his parents refused to accept her as his numero uno. So to please his parents, he went off to find Gwen, a perfect match for his family.

According to Gwen, he pulled out all the stops to impress her. He did everything he could to win her heart and in what seemed like a fairy tale ending, they got married and the whole world thought it was Happily Ever After done and dusted. But alas, it wasn’t to be because Numbnutz couldn’t get his mind off his true love and 3 years after he cut through the butter cream icing cake filled with empty promises, he decided that he could no longer live without her. They got married in secret and she bore his kids, a set of twins, 9 months later.

So he has secret family... he's been playing James Bond, living a double life. We’ve all heard this story somewhere before innit... or read one of Danielle Steel’s novels... or at the very least watched one of them made-for-tv movies. In the meantime, Gwen just found out that she’s pregnant and is both devastated and torn. To stay or to go... that’s the question. Numbnutz on the other hand has no intention of leaving his beloved and Islam permits more than one wife, (even though most men misinterpret this law and have distorted the rules to suit themselves). So in the end, on the surface Numbnutz managed to please all and sundry, but something ugly festers beneath. That's the kind of dirty that don't get clean. And this wasn't a part of her 10 year plan.

From what I've heard, I don't think he ever intended to leave his first love - even after he went out looking for Gwen like some predator on the prowl for his next victim. What I can't understand is: if he always intended to be with her, then why bother with Gwen? Why involve her in this elaborate scheme? Why go out looking for her, making all these promises, lying through his backside, ruining her life... why not just marry the girl he loved in the first place - especially if that was his intention from the beginning.

I suppose in the end, Numbnutz was driven by and caved into familial pressure... too busy worrying about what others in their closed-minded community would think or say about them. Because whether people like to admit it or not, most are governed by other people's opinions of them and all that matters is how things LOOK to the outside world. But all that glitters is not always gold. I wonder if his parents are happy now... thrilled that they get the miserable Indian daughter-in-law they've always wanted while he has his piece of meat and gets to live the life he wants to on the side.

I have to say that I fail to understand what kind of woman says “yes” to being second best. I can't fathom the depths of the lack of self-respect. “Yes please hide me and our relationship because I’m not worthy of being seen with you”. How needy, clingy, greedy does one have to be to get to that point. I never want to find out.

If he was my husband, I would have injected him with the AIDs virus. Or at the very least, had him gang raped by a bunch of ex-convicts, recording the whole thing for entertainment value, posted it on Youtube with a few extra pics of the soirée on display on a few rented billboards on the M1 Highway.

The real problem is that this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of something of this nature in the last year and sadly, it’s becoming very common. These trends make me paranoid. And this is why I'm partial to white men... (don't look at me like that, the face of Islam isn't Asian). I'm one of those self-deprecating people that has been brainwashed by colonialism and there's this notion that white guys are more honest about being dishonest because they don't have any cultural hangups. Well, most of them anyway. Don't know how this will end for Piqué though.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Coz it's Valentine's Day innit...

Every year I shun the commercial concept of Valentine’s Day. I don’t really believe in “love” in the conventional sense because infatuation is most commonly confused for love blah blah blah... I’ve already been around the block with this one and stated all my views here and here.
This year, I’m somewhat less irate about the day mostly because I don't care enough. I still don’t buy into what could very well be the single biggest marketing ploy in the world next to Mother’s Day (seriously, you only show your Mom you love her once a year? Shame on you...) but this year is a little different.

This year I’m all about appreciation and gratitude for all the lovely people I have in my life (and it has absolutely nothing to do with Valentine’s Day but hey, any excuse to party right?). So my friends, here’s wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day. It’s a good day to be thankful and eat chocolate and just bask in the sunlight, or dance in the rain... whatever floats your boat ;D
PS. Edward Monkton rules!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Coz if I had it my way...

I'd be eating this right now:

Accompanied with this:

While living in this house:

With this little courtyard in the middle:

And this backyard:

Overlooking this view:

On this Island:

Where the downtown looks like this:

And this is what we'd do on weekends:

With a butler / driver that looks like this:

If dreams were horses, we'd all ride... *dreamy sigh*

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Coz the world as we know it will never be the same again...

I’m sitting here with a fractured jaw because some incompetent bitch (who probably bought her license and qualification to practice dentistry from an dodgy illegal joint in some alley) thought she knew what she was doing. I want to tie her down to that chair and perform a dozen root canals on her with all my knowledge on medical forensics and see how she likes it. Anyways, sitting here, feeling like death served on a cheese platter has given me time to think (& you know that’s always dangerous).

If what the Mayans have said about the world ending in 2012 is true, then as Muslims we have nothing to worry about since technically we’re all in the year 1432 innit. So that should give us roughly 579 years before the world goes to shit. Problem is, on most days it feels like we’re already there and time sure does fly… so 579 years isn’t as far away as we’d like to believe.

Just look at the last 5 weeks… it literally came and went. So much has happened and if January has set the tone for the rest of the year, then we better buckle up bunnies because it’s going to be one hell of a year.

It’s like 1948 all over again. If you’re like me and you love History, you’ll know that most of the events that occurred during 1948 have shaped the world we live in today... the beginning of the cold war and the Berlin Blockade, the year of the Declaration of the Independence of Israel and the Arab-Israeli War as well as the institution of Apartheid.

I woke up yesterday morning with a song playing in my head by Mike & The Mechanics called “Silent Running”. And for some reason this song reminds me of the current Egyptian revolt. Maybe it’s got to do with some of the lyrics:

“Teach the children quietly,
For someday sons and daughters;
Will rise up & fight while we stood still”

I don’t think that 26 year old Mohamed Bouazizi ever thought that his name would be synonymous with an unprecedented Tunisian Revolution. When Bouazizi woke up on the morning of the 17th of December 2010, I don’t think he anticipated that by the afternoon he would be hospitalized with severe burns, after having set himself on fire, protesting government policies.

Afterall, he was just another man in this world trying to earn a living to feed and support his ailing parents and younger siblings – as a street vendor selling vegetables in a cart. Any one of us could have been him. We’re all Mohamed Bouazizi to some degree. He, like the rest of humanity, only wanted a better life for himself and his family.

However, with Tunisia’s then-strict laws governing employment practices, Bouazizi did not have a permit to operate as a street vendor, and even though operating from a cart is not illegal in Tunisia, he still didn’t have enough money to bribe the officers when they came around (in what has been described as one of the most corrupt regimes in the world).

So when Bouazizi had his goods confiscated by the 45 year old female municipal worker, F. Hamdi, before she slapped and spat in his face, he was a little more than humiliated and frustrated. He then went to complain at the Governor’s office and following their refusal to see or even listen to him, he set himself alight and single handedly set in motion not one, but two revolutions and several revolts around the Arab region.

Sadly though, Bouazizi passed away from his wounds on the 4th January this year. He will never know what came from that fateful day – when in his deepest darkest hour of despair, a single act had sparked an entire nation into action, which in turn inspired and fired up people living in very similar conditions in almost every Arab state. And yeah he set himself on fire, but the world is feeling the heat.

There’s no doubt, the events are shocking and surreal and at the same time, way overdue. I mean 23 years? 30 years? Is that how long it took for people to realise that they didn’t want dictators robbing them blind and governing them under iron fists? Or have they known all along and needed someone like Bouazizi to come along and spur them on?

A few months ago I said that we were fooling ourselves if we ever thought that we had “freedom of speech” because speech is only ever free when it serves the aims and purposes of the ruling party. And this was exemplified in Egypt – with authorities cutting all communication lines, from cell phones to internet connections countrywide over the past few days.

There are many things about the Egyptian revolt that has me both amused and exasperated. For one, the difference between Hosni Mubarak and a monkey is that a monkey knows that it’s a monkey. I don’t understand which part of Fuck Off doesn’t Mubarak understand (it’s probably the part where Israel and the USA have him by the balls). Seriously, come on, no sane person will have all these people hating their guts and still be adamant about being their champion. That’s just beyond absurd.

Secondly, I read a few comments from a few Heads of State in the past week, and there were two that stuck with me. The UK’s David Cameron and the US’s Hilary Clinton initially stated that the Egyptian President is  a friend and an ally of both the UK and USA and that he is not a dictator. And then there were several comments from the Israeli senate clearly reflecting their own insecurities on what the uprisings in their neighbouring countries would mean for the future of the Zionist state.

And amazingly enough, every comment just screamed “me, me, me”. I want to ask David Cameron and Hilary Clinton if they’ve ever lived in Egypt under the oppressive regime of Mubarak and were they ever struggling to feed their families because they sure do know an awful lot about what is “best for the people” of Egypt. I’d like to know how the fuck can you sit there on your continental backside and pretend to know what these people have to go through every single day.

The light at the end of this tunnel is as bright as day… the people of Egypt have the right to choose and elect whomever they wish to govern them… REGARDLESS of what this means for everyone else’s foreign policies and interests in the Middle East. And if they don’t like it, they should shut their mouths, get the hell out of there, sit in their homes in their respective countries, knit scarfs and eat scones with strawberry jam and leave the rest of the world well alone. The rest of the world is tired of the UK and US putting their unwanted pennies in every jar they can find.

But see, with them, it was never about the people. Everything has always been about money and their interests and investments in Israel… I know that, they know that, the whole fucking world knows that.

As for Israel… shame. Scared much? How do you know that you’re an asshole? When you spend your entire life constantly looking over your shoulder, afraid that someone is going to sneak up behind you at some point and knock you the fuck out – because normal people don’t live that way. Normal people aren’t paranoid pricks.

And I seriously do not get the Military. Why defend a regime that has done nothing for you? And sure, there may be many Generals etc. that are bribed and paid off, but come on, even if there are 1000 of them, there are still over 100 000 overworked, underpaid staff that suffer under the same fate as the rest of the people. And what are they going to do? Fire the whole country? Kill ALL of them?

As for the people in South Africa, all the trade unions will be marching in solidarity with Egypt on Friday at 2:30pm. There’s nothing South Africans like more than a good protest. Bring on the toi toi. Given the chance, most would be at it all day, every day.... dancing in the streets and singing all their songs declaring human rights and freedom (they could release an album with the number of tracks they can belt out). It gives everyone a chance to work those quads and exercise their vocal chords for church choir on Sundays.

I do wonder though, if the world would indeed end in 2012 – but not in the physical sense as depicted by all these apocalyptic movies – but in a metaphorical sense. The end of an Era. We can already see it because no matter how things end in Egypt, one thing’s for sure, the world will never be the same again.