When I Grow Up I Want To Be A Chilean Miner

I always wanted to be a coke farmer in Colombia, but recently I realised that I got it all wrong. Why toil and be at the mercy of volatile climate changes and every law enforcement agency in the world, when you can just sit underground for 69 days, praying for your life and looking for an adequate place to pee...

If you think about it, it’s kinda like a combination of Survivor and Fear Factor. Actually, it’s even better than Survivor because you don’t have to jump hoops like a circus monkey using whatever minuscule traces of energy you have left flowing through your veins, for immunity. And it must suck to get to the 39th day… having gone through all that shit… and still have every member of the jury vote for your rival to win the Million Dollars – because she is, in all likelihood, a pretentious whore with no morals or values, flashing her hairy bits and flirting unashamedly with all the men on the male-dominated jury.

So you nearly starve to death, deal with incessant back-stabbing from two-faced bitches, and have to fight for that immunity idol like Tarzan on steroids just to loose in the end. It’s ludicrous. And unlike Fear Factor, there are no grotesque creatures that you have to consume in order to stay in the mine. In fact, you won’t ever have to hunt or cook because your food and water will be delivered right down a shaft near you.

See, when you’re Chilean Miner, everyone’s a winner. There are no villains because everyone’s a hero. You’ll never be forced to participate in excruciating challenges for a glorified voodoo doll and you don’t EVER have to worry about being voted out of the mine either. And surely it can’t be that difficult… people have endured worse trials often suffering major psychological trauma on the Piccadilly Line from Kings Cross to Green Park at 5pm on a weekday in the middle of July.

The BEST part of all is that your prizes and awards begin arriving even BEFORE you’re allowed to leave the mine! You’ll get iPods from top management at Apple to keep you occupied through those long hours, and Rosaries from the Pope himself! In fact, if you play your cards right, those 69 days can be spent in Itikaaf… that’s 59 days longer than any Itikaaf you’ll ever sit through during Ramadan.

And finally, when you leave the mine, you’ll be given the finest Oakley eyewear so that you can look spectacular for the world’s media. Other prizes include $10 000, 5 pairs of Space Underwear, a holiday to any Greek Island of your choice, free sushi for a year, signed T-Shirts from soccer giants Barcelona and an exclusive VIP all expenses paid trip to watch Manchester United play at Old Trafford. And to commemorate your triumph, The Pixies will create a special musical tribute for every single miner – each getting their own song to remember their legendary experiences underground. Add to that, putting your country on the map, world-wide fame and a trip to Disneyland and you’re as good as gold.

When I become a Chilean Miner, I’ll trade my Rosary for a custom made Tasbih from the King of Saudi Arabia. In addition, I’d like a lifetime of unlimited access to Makkah and Medina and shares in the Oil Market. I want to be invited as staying guest at the Jordanian Palace and a new wardrobe from Queen Rania. I’d also like a champagne-gold custom-made Audi R8 from any wealthy Egyptian philanthropist and a week in the Royal Suite at Dubai’s Seven Star Burj Al-Arab Hotel for 4 adults. I want to sail leisurely on a Wally-Hermès Yacht through the Mediterranean and Caribbean for a year to recover from my ordeal. I also want free Chicken Licken, Akhalwaya’s and Cinnabon for a year; and Yusuf Islam aka Cat Stevens can create a song in my honour praising the power and glory of The Almighty.

Jokes aside, I’m really glad that they’re safe but can’t help thinking that it was blown out of proportion. They received more air-time than the victims of the recent devastating floods in Pakistan where more than 21 million people were left injured and destitute, exceeding the combined total number of individuals affected by the 2004 South East Asian Tsunami and the 2010 Earthquake in Haiti.

It’s still heartwarming though, to see a President who is proactive and puts the needs of his people first. If only there were more Presidents like him.