Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Girls Behaving Badly

Sometimes I feel like throwing caution to the wind and behaving with reckless abandonment. It’s on those wild days when I just want to do crazy things like share my Facebook status stating things like “Azra wants to shit in a box and feed it to your dog” or “Azra wants to cut you up into little pieces and eat you, so we can be together forever” or “Azra wants to see what happens to babies when the microwave is set on defrost”…things I don’t really mean. But OUTRAGEOUS things, just for shock value.

I used to love the show Girls Behaving Badly; those girls rocked and I’ve always wanted to do a similar skit here in SA. I’m sure I’ve mentioned my penchant for pranking on More. Than. One. Occasion. But I guess people will never really understand what I mean until they actually see me in action. Everywhere I go, I conjure up these elaborate plans that I never really execute partly because I believe that there is a time and place for everything; mostly because I don’t have the resources, namely a camera crew documenting all my shenanigans and a couple of lawyers for any potential lawsuits.

I can think of the wackiest things to do to people and I usually discuss my ideas with her input, building it up as we go along. Some of the things I want to do are downright stupid, but I’d love to see the reaction on people’s faces as the events unfold before their eyes. When I’m in a restaurant, I almost always envision myself walking up to strangers, sticking my fork in their plates, grabbing a bite and either saying “wow, that really is as delicious as it looks” or “how can you eat this shit, tastes like garbage”.

I want to park on that little island on the M1, you know those little patches of grass and trees in the middle of the highway (the ones that look like teeny-weeny-mini parks), in peak hour traffic, and have a picnic complete with a blanket, umbrella, basket filled with snacks and sandwiches, clothed in a 60’s summer dress and waving to people as they drive past at 2km’s per hour at 07:30 in the morning.

I want to walk past new mothers chatting on their cellphones or to friends, grab their babies and run for my life.

I want to poker dot the white house of the asshole living a block away, with huge orange circles all over.

I want to wear a wedding dress and walk around the shopping mall buying groceries.

I want to dress like Jack Sparrow and hide in a huge cardboard box in the middle of the road at a traffic light, and then break out of the box as motorists sit in their cars, waiting for a green light.

I want to sit in a crowded restaurant and have a farting machine that makes loud lewd noises while I sip water from my champagne glass.

I want to unearth all my neighbours palm trees with a crane in the middle of the night, literally make them disappear and replace them with daises…then put them back two nights later.

I want to go to the gym’s changing rooms with a cane, jabbing all the naked mamas on those areas which need working on.

I want to grab and hug every cute guy I see in the street, from behind.

I want to tell my parents I’m a lesbian and introduce them to my “girlfriend”.

I want to gate crash a huge wedding, filled with strangers and make a speech about how much I love cheesecake and that the colour coordination sucks.

I want to grab any kind of chocolate or sweet that’s waiting to be consumed, from the hand of the one holding it, and shove it in my mouth.

I want to visit a friend, unpack her grocery cupboards and go home with all her tuna.

I want to pack my bags, go to the neighbour’s house, and pretend I’m moving in.

I want to go to a restaurant and pop a Lindor chocolate ball into a stranger’s mouth while he/she is talking absent-mindedly.

I want to buy a kilo of minced meat, remove all the fat from it, then take the fat back to the butcher, demanding a refund.

I want to fly to New York and then tell custom officials that I demand to go back home because I forgot my toothbrush.

I want to buy potatoes, peel and cut them and ask McDonalds to fry my chips for me.

I want to buy KFC and go across town to eat it in front of Chicken Licken’s staff while demonstrating to everyone how much larger KFC’s chicken portions are.

I want to sell Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream tubs outside Haagen Daaz at half the price.

I want to ride on a pink Vespa on the highway in peak hour traffic, when all the cars are at a standstill, selling hotdogs, pies, donuts and coke to everyone who’s frustrated and hungry, while dodging the traffic police.

I want to get married around 05:00am in the morning, and give all the wedding guests Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Kellogg’s All Bran Flakes at the wedding reception.

Better yet, I want to get married in a HUGE venue, like Gallagher Estate, where EVERYONE will be invited and the menu will include every single delicious meal the caterer can think of…the place decorated to perfection…Entry tickets will be on Sale at Computicket, starting at R300 per person…booking deadline a month before the wedding so that the number of people catered for equal the exact amount of tickets sold.

I could go on and on and on and on…my list of “ideas” never ending. I’m patenting most of these :D

19 comments:

  1. Lmao, what are u on? Take me with for the picnic on the island alongside the highway :)

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  2. Man, was I laughing tears when I read this.

    I like the concept of making people get tickets to your wedding.... Lol.

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  3. lol I LOVE the ideas. i was lauhging my arse off reading the list :D awesome!!

    and although i too wish outrage..none of them even begin to resemble yours in any shape or form!

    the closest i come to doing something stupid is wrapping up work colleagues presents with newspaper - knowing itll take ages unwrapping...and a whole audience looking, while i sit somewhere at the back giggling my arse off. it is the cheap thrills, what can i say.

    and whenever i watch an awards ceremony, i want to be either presenting, or giving an award away with one of my speeches "im not famous but if you can bear with me while i thank my family before i award the winner with their prize"..

    my gigglings fits are the worst. cos i conjure up something stupid in my head and then cant stop laughing to myself as it keeps playing back in my head -- this always happens when im on training, or at the very least with lots of people around and someone makes an error...or i can detect someone nervous around me.

    i grew up in a big family so mischief was always in the making. sadly, i havent grown out of it! whats your excuse? ;-)

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  4. I remember Girls Behaving Badly. Lol, they did some crazy stuff. I enjoy pranking shows... like Punk'd.

    Hmmm, alternate career? ;)

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  5. ps have you seen amelie? can relate to her imagination going wild!

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  6. I like the breakfast wedding idea best :)

    I wonder what it is like being in a real candid camera kinda situation

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  7. 1. I would buy a ticket to Azra's wedding simply because I know the food would be memorable and the show would be interesting. The mix of people would be eclectic and simply seeing who she ends up with would be something to blog-gossip about.

    2. Acting on a dare (I'm too old to accept dares but I do), I put on my best Armani suit - dark blue with thin pinstripe, had a sign made professionally on foamcore board, went to a very busy freeway on-ramp during morning rush hour traffic where the panhandlers stand. The sign was blank (nothing on the foam core board).

    I got some interesting looks.

    The standard blend of bums (2 or 3) seemed happy when I left.

    So now I CHALLENGE AZRA to do the same.

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  8. LMAO, this is so brilliant. love the image of a highway picnic and of poking a cane into womens jiggly bits in the gyms change rooms!

    very quirky, and i agree - a lot like Amelie ! :)

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  9. Azra, this made my day...I laughed so much, my tummy hurts....think the dudes in the office think I crazy lol :)

    I liked this one the best :) ->
    I want to park on that little island on the M1....

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  10. I never realised it until now, but I think Dew was somewhat inspirational here...even if it was subliminal.

    WIP - Nothing, these are the thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis, I just dont act on them - YET lol :D Yeah we can have like a mad hatter themed picnic with tea and everything...it would be so cool!

    Fatima - lol, yeah I've had that idea for a few years now. I reckon I'd make some money, pay for the wedding and honeymoon and maybe have a little left over for other stuff. Who knows lol

    Sofi - I have no excuse, I was born crazy :D I did watch Amelie...what she did is so something I would do

    Nafisa - I would gladly do it as an alternate career :D

    Waseem - I guess you'll never know until you're pranked on camera :D

    LL - I'll go shopping with a wedding dress on ok? :D

    Blackolives - lol...yeah I would really do that :P

    Princess - :D you can join me and WIP on the island at our mad hatter tea party picnic :D

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  11. I think we have a new Meme for the week! Post coming up shortly!

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  12. Aasia - Cool take on crazy things :)

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  13. Mother sat pealing the wrapping of an a Easter egg wrapping as soon as she opened it, I grabbed the egg and shoved it in my mouth and ran like crazy...

    It was payback for when I offered her a bite of my connetto and she put the whole thing in her mouth.

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  14. T - want julle's uitgevreet :D

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  15. Ahaha! We would be sinful together! In David's hometown, we always saw this one teenage kid who was always dressed and acting like he was too cool for school. I always had the urge to hop in front of him last minute and say, "Boo!!! Wooga, wooga!" and do a funny dance. D-Man said he'd never forgive me if I did it (small town, word spreads fast, didn't want to be known for having an insane wife, whatever). But I still wish I would have done it.

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  16. somehow I missed this one when you wrote it.
    I will buy tickets to your wedding no matter what the price is, even if means that I will have to get up at 4.00 and travel 6000 miles. I swear I will.

    btw, we must meet somewhere. Please plan a vacation and we must meet there.

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  17. Michi - The possibilities are endless. And I suspect we have the same kind of shamelessness going on, the only problem would be trying to keep a straight face :D

    Tazeen - Yes I agree, a meet is essential, and long over-due! ;)

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  18. 'I want to wear a wedding dress and walk around the shopping mall buying groceries.' That sentence reminded me of something. My mom once bought a green polka dot summer dress. I must've been, what, eight or so. She came home with her latest purchase and decided to put it on and do some shopping. On her way to I-don't-know-where she passed the shop where she'd bought the dress. She was admiring her beautiful summer dress in the shop window when she noticed something she hadn't noticed before: it said, 'nightgown'. So there she was, wearing a nightgown in the town centre on a beautiful sunny day, feeling so embarrassed... By the way, that's quite a list you've got there. Anything to be ticked yet? :))

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