Sometimes I feel like throwing caution to the wind and behaving with reckless abandonment. It’s on those wild days when I just want to do crazy things like share my Facebook status stating things like “Azra wants to shit in a box and feed it to your dog” or “Azra wants to cut you up into little pieces and eat you, so we can be together forever” or “Azra wants to see what happens to babies when the microwave is set on defrost”…things I don’t really mean. But OUTRAGEOUS things, just for shock value.
I used to love the show Girls Behaving Badly; those girls rocked and I’ve always wanted to do a similar skit here in SA. I’m sure I’ve mentioned my penchant for pranking on More. Than. One. Occasion. But I guess people will never really understand what I mean until they actually see me in action. Everywhere I go, I conjure up these elaborate plans that I never really execute partly because I believe that there is a time and place for everything; mostly because I don’t have the resources, namely a camera crew documenting all my shenanigans and a couple of lawyers for any potential lawsuits.
I can think of the wackiest things to do to people and I usually discuss my ideas with her input, building it up as we go along. Some of the things I want to do are downright stupid, but I’d love to see the reaction on people’s faces as the events unfold before their eyes. When I’m in a restaurant, I almost always envision myself walking up to strangers, sticking my fork in their plates, grabbing a bite and either saying “wow, that really is as delicious as it looks” or “how can you eat this shit, tastes like garbage”.
I want to park on that little island on the M1, you know those little patches of grass and trees in the middle of the highway (the ones that look like teeny-weeny-mini parks), in peak hour traffic, and have a picnic complete with a blanket, umbrella, basket filled with snacks and sandwiches, clothed in a 60’s summer dress and waving to people as they drive past at 2km’s per hour at 07:30 in the morning.
I want to walk past new mothers chatting on their cellphones or to friends, grab their babies and run for my life.
I want to poker dot the white house of the asshole living a block away, with huge orange circles all over.
I want to wear a wedding dress and walk around the shopping mall buying groceries.
I want to dress like Jack Sparrow and hide in a huge cardboard box in the middle of the road at a traffic light, and then break out of the box as motorists sit in their cars, waiting for a green light.
I want to sit in a crowded restaurant and have a farting machine that makes loud lewd noises while I sip water from my champagne glass.
I want to unearth all my neighbours palm trees with a crane in the middle of the night, literally make them disappear and replace them with daises…then put them back two nights later.
I want to go to the gym’s changing rooms with a cane, jabbing all the naked mamas on those areas which need working on.
I want to grab and hug every cute guy I see in the street, from behind.
I want to tell my parents I’m a lesbian and introduce them to my “girlfriend”.
I want to gate crash a huge wedding, filled with strangers and make a speech about how much I love cheesecake and that the colour coordination sucks.
I want to grab any kind of chocolate or sweet that’s waiting to be consumed, from the hand of the one holding it, and shove it in my mouth.
I want to visit a friend, unpack her grocery cupboards and go home with all her tuna.
I want to pack my bags, go to the neighbour’s house, and pretend I’m moving in.
I want to go to a restaurant and pop a Lindor chocolate ball into a stranger’s mouth while he/she is talking absent-mindedly.
I want to buy a kilo of minced meat, remove all the fat from it, then take the fat back to the butcher, demanding a refund.
I want to fly to New York and then tell custom officials that I demand to go back home because I forgot my toothbrush.
I want to buy potatoes, peel and cut them and ask McDonalds to fry my chips for me.
I want to buy KFC and go across town to eat it in front of Chicken Licken’s staff while demonstrating to everyone how much larger KFC’s chicken portions are.
I want to sell Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream tubs outside Haagen Daaz at half the price.
I want to ride on a pink Vespa on the highway in peak hour traffic, when all the cars are at a standstill, selling hotdogs, pies, donuts and coke to everyone who’s frustrated and hungry, while dodging the traffic police.
I want to get married around 05:00am in the morning, and give all the wedding guests Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Kellogg’s All Bran Flakes at the wedding reception.
Better yet, I want to get married in a HUGE venue, like Gallagher Estate, where EVERYONE will be invited and the menu will include every single delicious meal the caterer can think of…the place decorated to perfection…Entry tickets will be on Sale at Computicket, starting at R300 per person…booking deadline a month before the wedding so that the number of people catered for equal the exact amount of tickets sold.
I could go on and on and on and on…my list of “ideas” never ending. I’m patenting most of these :D