I nearly fainted in Pick ‘n Pay today. True story…something about low blood-sugar levels and too much stress. I vaguely remember everything becoming muffled and the noises around me fading into the background. I started panicking and praying, breathing deeply and thinking to myself… “Please don’t pass out here, what if someone steals your purse and then you have to replace your drivers license and you know what a pain that is… and what about your medical aid card too and the Discovery credit card and all the Voyager Miles that you just registered…and they’re going to have to phone Mother, and she’s terribly far away so they will phone Daddy instead and he’ll panic and come shout you again for not eating properly and fainting in Pick ‘n Pay…”
All these thoughts in a few seconds…I really hate that KFC ad, those girls are morons and drama-queens…but the whole episode was just like that.
The reason for my ill-health is too much stress. Never mind not eating and still gyming everyday…I blame it on the stress. October/November has to be the worst time of the year for me. It’s like every single thing that could ever come and bite me in the ass, will come in November. I have exams, conferences, endless meetings, weddings and like the cherry on the cake of my misery, I was appointed the wonderful task of organizing the year-end Christmas function.
Now organizing the year-end function is kinda like planning a wedding. Actually, it’s exactly like planning a wedding but without the bride and groom. If I had it my way, I’d just make a fire in the parking lot, go and buy a whole lot of meat from United butchers and announce a braai to anyone interested in attending. But No, instead I’ve had to consult with coordinators, planners, caterers, florists…you name it…just to please the masses. Unfortunately for me, someone else (another moron) already booked a venue by the river…which is sub-standard compared to the other venue by the river that I wanted to book initially. But hey, watch me make lemonade.
Overall, I hate planning anything that's unnecessary. This event is a pain in my ass. Similarly, I hate weddings too. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate the aesthetics of it all…the décor, the matching candles, and napkins and plates and flowers and all the crap that goes into it. It’s always pleasing to the eye. But the actual ritual of the wedding? I hate it. I hate how long and drawn out everything is. I hate how everyone has to wait for what seems to be an eternity for the bride or groom to show up. What I particularly despise about weddings is the fact that most people will spend a fortune in the pursuit of matrimonial “perfection”…even though the whole ceremony lasts no longer than a few hours.
I’ve never been to a wedding where everyone didn’t want to kill each other. The worst family fights occur around a wedding…this aunty said that and that other aunty wants to do her own thing. The mother of the bride thinks that her daughter should wear her hair up; the bride insists its going to be left down etc. etc. All the pressure is building up and one of the volcanoes have to erupt.
If it’s your typical wedding, the bride and groom won’t even know two-thirds of the people that have been invited. I have also never been to a wedding where I walked away feeling good about it…where people didn’t have something bad to say about the bride or the wedding party. The food is ALWAYS too spicy or not spicy enough…burnt or under-cooked. The same people who complain about the food are usually the vraate (greedy pigs) that will take most of it home with them stuffed in old 5lt ice-cream containers…just like TCQ explained in one of her earlier blogs. The bride always looks stunning but not stunning enough, there are always comments about how she could have looked better…maybe different shoes, accessories or hair style. And how the venue would have been nicer if they had done this or that…
There are the freeloaders. You know the table where 6 plates, 6 cups, 6 saucers, 6 glasses etc. etc. and the bouquet mysteriously disappears. You know someone went home with a whole new set of crockery and cutlery that night, a small wedding “present” from the bride and groom.
Then there are those weddings where people will go ON and ON and ON about what a nice couple they make…
The Boy is soooo good, a very nice boy who works very hard!! (Never mind he was shagging the neighbour and bridesmaid two weeks earlier, almost got caught with a stash in his car, got thrown out of Manhattans for assaulting that guy over that other girl he was trying to pick up and was secretly seeing that other married chick)…he’s an angel sent from heaven…
And the girl? The Girl is a good homely girl…very pretty with her fair skin and all that. (Doesn’t matter that she looks like a rat, wears an illegal amount of makeup, spent all her time sneaking out of the house to meet other guys or that she was involved with this other Hindu guy because he had loads of money...and money talks in her books).
People always have this tendency to idolise and venerate people when everyone knows it’s not true. I do NOT believe in speaking ill of people…but I don’t glorify them either…If there’s nothing good to say, instead of lying or making up stories, shut up.
So in essence, the entire wedding is a fight-fest at the bride and grooms expense and they usually end up paying people to come and criticise and bankrupt them. Is that really how people want to start their lives together? I know weddings are all about the celebration and people’s duas (prayers)…but people should ask themselves, how much dua is there in comparison to the gossip. And don’t get me started on the people who don’t get invited…they sit at home gossiping and cursing the family that never invited them.
Now I’m not just a cold cynic…I do like the idea of the wedding etc. I just don’t see the point of spending R900 000 (true story) on a bunch of ungrateful greedy strangers. Personally, I’d rather feed Somalia. I always joke that if I had to have a wedding, I’d invite everyone…it would be an open wedding, at R300-00 a head, tickets on sale at the door.
On the flip side, this bout of dizziness is like a fog clouding my brain. It has enhanced my paranoia and prompted already existing thoughts about my mortality. I think about death often…not for the morbid reasons that people may think…but I believe it keeps things in perspective. Weddings, for example, seem very trivial and inconsequential when one contemplates impending doom. During those few minutes in Pick ‘n Pay, I kept on wondering that if I had to die, how would it affect the world? Of course, I believe it won’t affect the world very much. I’m just a miniscule part of the Universe, a mere spec of dust in the wind…life always goes on.
But I thought to myself, if I knew I was going to die soon, what would I do? How would I feel? I would obviously pray…and eat all the Lindt Mint Intense and Woolworths Chocolate Mousse I can find. But would I be sad? Yeah I’d be sad that I never got to get married and have kiddies and be happy…I guess we all want to be part of the dream…no matter how insignificant and moronic we deem it to be.