...that's how I feel. The funny thing about any kind of transition is that most people think that it's supposed to look (and feel) great, and pretty, and awesome, and fun, and full of delightful wonder... like a budding rose; or a fun night out with your friends, where you meet the love of your life on a ferris wheel and he buys you a jetski and some diamonds while you comb each other's hair and feed each other grapes.
No one ever tells you that it's raw and gritty and that it demands honesty, patience, and persistence; and that it's actually really, really hard. Any kind of real growth and development is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually taxing - i.e. all shades of utterly exhausting.
These days I find myself in limbo... and always stopping short, thinking, do I really want to say that? Do I even want to go there? I'm tired. The kind of tired that sleep doesn't cure. This has been the busiest year of my life... equally crammed with work and leisure... and equally exhausting on all accounts. Do I really want to put this out there, to be dissected, and argued upon... for people to mis-interpret or not understand... add to that: do I really want to take people out of their fancy disillusions. Do I really need to engage on that level?
It's not that I don't have anything to say. It's that I don't even know where to begin! I've been whelmed good and proper on more than a few occasions these past few months. And sometimes, there are so many words, that they fail to graduate to paper - or in this case, blog post. They just seem to over-flow... the cup runneth over... and when that happens, small things like a bag of peanut M&M's, or watching Samii do her hair, or MTV's A-List Playlist, become powerful distractions.
Then there are other issues I have to consider - navigating the legality and political correctness of some things, which remain debatable. Ha! How cryptic. There's nothing that I want to talk about that isn't somewhat controversial on some level. And I'm not sure if I should be ruffling feathers - yet.
In any case, this is a public notice that things, namely this blog itself, is up for some major re-construction. I've even brought in some help. Let's see where this leads to, shall we...